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05-May-1978
Dear Cecil:
A new sense of social responsibility inspired by a new job has led me to make the crucial
moral decision to cut my hair. This is no small matter, since I have been cultivating it
for years now (ever since long hair was in style), and it has now grown to a truly
astonishing length. But now, mindful of the O. Henry short story "Gift of the
Magi," I'm wondering if I can't turn the situation to my advantage (and a substantial
cash profit) by peddling my awe-inspiring locks to a wigmaker, as the young wife does in
O. Henry's tale. Can you please tell me if there are any firms around that buy human hair?
I'll be glad to give you 10 percent of the proceeds. --Alice M., Chicago
Dear Alice:
Ten percent of nothin', as Jean-Paul Sartre once observed, is still nothin'. Farrah
Fawcett and the Clairol mafia have ruined the market for American hair by inspiring the
huddled masses to keep their crops too clean--regular washing with most commercial
shampoos strips the hair of its natural wax coating, which makes it too brittle to be sewn
into wigs. Wigmakers are only interested in hair that originates in hygienically
underdeveloped corners of the world--the dirtier, the better. So unless you've been
particularly lax in your personal habits, your chances of making a profit on your next
trip to the beauty parlor are virtually nil.
--CECIL ADAMS
The Straight Dope / Questions or
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